How trustworthy are you? Use this handy little chart to see if you’re in the clear. If you classify as dangerous, threatening, or god-forbid “disastrous”, do us all a favor and break out that rusty razor and go to town. We can’t have you creepin’ around giving us the willies. Let’s get some of those disagreeable facial man pubes out of our direct line of sight and set us all at ease. M’kay?

Lyrics:
Damn, who’s that girl I see across the room?
You’re the prettiest thang in this whole Whole Foods
Slip fair trade coffee in yo’ cup, getcha in the mood
So come with me in my drop-top Prius, baby
My love is like global warming, you can’t deny it
It’s an inconvenient truth, but I cannot hide it
So turn off the lights cuz it’s eco friendly
You know you like the size of my carbon footprint

Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I
You got me crazy, mixing up my papers and my plastics
Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I
Don’t need no condoms
’cause rubber ain’t biodegradable

Earth Day Sex
Ain’t no better day for loving
Earth Day Sex

Girl by now, my intention you oughta know,
Wanna get into the hole in your ozone,
Our love’s not about sustainability
Only need 1 night to melt your ice-caps, baby
You tree-huggin’ all day, so could
you spend all night protecting my Redwood?
Now I gotta know if I can
come and develop your wetlands?

Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I
Just don’t panic, I’m 100 percent free-range organic
Girl you know I-I-I
Girl you know I-I-I
You got junk in yo’ trunk
and I’d like to compact it, yeah

Earth Day Sex
Ain’t no better day for loving
Earth Day Sex

Let’s recycle tonight baby…

1. Teaching Math In 1950’s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960’s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970’s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980’s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990’s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living?

Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s okay.)

6. Teaching Math In 2008
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho el hachero?

160 Years Ago

California became a state
The people had no electricity
The state had no money
Almost everyone spoke Spanish
There were gunfights in the streets
So basically nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the men didn’t hold hands!

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that’s the way the system is set up. Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)
In the rain. (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)
It’s her pet. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a college buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has silicone implants. (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner.. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it’s not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it’s a sports bar. (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2) It’s called ‘Death Cop.’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter; you have one too.” (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0) You listen, for over 30 minutes. (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

This is pretty funny…especially once you get into it a little and see some of these dudes reappearing.

Spray tan = loser in a can. And for the love of God, somebody please let me know exactly when the ‘Astro-boy’ look became popular? ‘Spiky hair’ is
supposed to be a generalization, isn’t it?
P.S. - I got 50 bucks that says at least one of these guys is named Carlos.
P.S.S. - Thank god pink shirt dude in the back decided to raise his arms, so we can all get a glimpse of just how gay that shirt really is.

I wonder if they have competitions to see who can get their hair the spikiest? I guess this shot was taken on spiky hair and striped shirt day. Somebody needs to tell spiky at bottom right to ‘pop his collar’. He ain’t fitting in. Notice the lack of available/interested girls. ‘Nuff said.

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It’s all a matter of perception sometimes.

Here’s the reply the teacher received the following day from the child’s Mom:

Dear Mrs. Jones,

Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith

• A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
• Was learning cursive really necessary?
• Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
• I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
• Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
• My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.
• Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
• How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
• I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
• Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
• What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
• While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
• MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
• Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
• I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
• Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

This little guy probably doesn’t know what life is like without his artificial legs. Look at that smile! He probably doesn’t have very many bad days and enjoys a slew of activities. If you feel that life has handed you lemons and your situation feels miserable, remember this kid. He triumphantly smiles through his adversity. Let’s stop complaining and start being thankful for what we have, especially our own two legs to walk on.