This poor little chick leads a miserable life because his stupid older brother is always squawking and chirping to get attention. Getting stepped on by his mom and pecked at by his siblings is getting really old. He’s thinking about flying away from the nest and auditioning for that social media mascot part he saw on that Twitter flyer yesterday. Tweeting he could do. Squawking and pecking…not so much. Now just to get some food to strengthen his young feeble wings.

Need to lose some weight? Try the Toddler Diet!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel.

Bedtime Snack: Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half a tube of “Pulsating Pink” lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday’s sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut-butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.

• I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
• More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
• I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
• Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
• That’s enough, Nickelback.
• I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
• Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
• Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
• There is a great need for sarcasm font.
• Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
• I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
• How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
• I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
• I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
• The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”.

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”.

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days. Before I kill you, I grant you three requests. What is your FIRST request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request?”

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your LAST request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse, alone this time.”

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, “Listen very carefully! For the last time I said…Bring Posse!”

Genius! This guy’s my hero! I consume a banana every morning. It’s my favorite fruit and a staple of my complete breakfast along with granola cereal and milk warmed up in the microwave. I’m astounded I’ve never thought of opening a banana this way. All it takes is some dude wearing monkey pajama pants to try a friend’s suggestion and then share it with the world. The joy of peeling bananas will never be the same. This video has changed my life… Banana Lovers Unite!

BLACK:

RED:

Come on people! Bicycle shorts should always be black and not RED! Red just shows off too many things. Apparently the red team put a lot of thought into the style and placement of the meat and potatoes. Those shorts are so tight you could almost see what religion they are affiliated with…lol.

After I first watched this video, I was a little horrified. That dude just pierced his buddy’s skull with an arrow. What a dumbass! These two guys act like they’re pretty toasted and stumble around a lot at first. But once the one guy calmly places the soda can on his head and stands perfectly still, I figured the arrow would fly straight and true into the can. Instead arrow lands off it’s mark.

After watching the video again, I got to thinking there’s no way YouTube would keep that up on their site. After doing some research, I discovered that this video is part of a viral marketing campaign for Cult Cola. Very fine video editing I must say. Here’s another video that’s part of the same marketing.