A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but is now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the exchange:

Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you she died back in January.’

Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.’

Citibank: ‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been.’

Family Member: ‘So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’

Citibank: ‘Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’

Family Member: ‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’

Citibank: ‘Excuse me?’

Family Member: ‘Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?’

Citibank: ‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: ‘I’m calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.’

Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.’

Family Member: ‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’

Citibank: (Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’

Family Member: ‘No, I’m her great nephew.’ (Lawyer info was given)C

itibank: ‘Could you fax us a certificate of death?’

Family Member: ‘Sure.’ (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: ‘Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’

Family Member: ‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won’t care.’

Citibank: ‘Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.’

(What is wrong with these people?!?)

Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?’

Citibank: ‘That might help…’

Family Member: ‘Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.’

Citibank: ‘Sir, that’s a cemetery!’

Family Member: ‘And what do you do with dead people on your planet???’

Okay there, buddy. We understand you’re excited about seeing an alligator, but seriously…pay attention! This huge reptile is either very hungry or possesses some serious anger issues. This idiot’s really testing his fate by leaning so far over the water. Maybe he deserves to lose an arm to learn a valuable lesson. Some people just don’t “get it” until something drastic happens to them.

For instance, last summer in Anchorage, Alaska a teenage mountain biker and a jogger were seriously hurt by brown bears in two separate instances on a city park trail that follows along a salmon spawning stream. The bicyclist was attacked and mauled late at night during a 24 hour mountain biking race. How idiotic! Now the city is closing that trail for the summer. I’d rather doubt that will keep everyone from venturing on that trail, but I’d say people got a wakeup call for not following common sense.

If you weren’t sure what the visual signs of swine flu were, well now you know. Whoa Nelly! Aside from the occasional oink or squeal, these symptoms appear blatantly obvious. There’s no sense in wearing a silly mask out in crowded public venues. If you’re observant enough, you can spot infected folks before they can wander into your personal space and rub their slobbery snouts all over your virus-prone body.

I find it kinda sexy in a strange creepy way. There’s something about those multiple nipples and pink curly tail that gets my mind in the gutter. If you’re suffering from this swine flu, your doctor has probably advised you to quarantine yourself and revert from any social contact. He just doesn’t understand how beautiful you’ve become. I say screw him and flaunt your floppy ears and scrunchy nose. Just try to calm your sudden urges to feast on grain and corn and you’ll be fine.

This has got to be the coolest Bobcat attachment ever. Sure the Quick Attach Big Wood Chipper and the Quick Attach Power Axe Tree Shear are friggin awesome, but nothing tops the mighty power of the wood splitter. If you’ve ever had to split a pile of freshly cut wood, you would know it’s a lot of work. The experience can be rewarding and add some muscles to your back, but most folks are generally lazy and on a time crunch. Imagine how much time you would save using a Bobcat with an attachment like this. In no time, you could be relaxing in front of your 50 inch Plasma with a brew in one hand and the remote in the other.

Safari Interrupted! I’ll bet this probably wasn’t mentioned in the safari travel brochure. Well maybe in fine print in which you would need a magnifying glass to examine. It might read, “Warning…safari elephants may become aroused at random and mount the nearest pachyderm. If so said event happens to occur, grit your teeth and hold on tight for the duration of the thrusting. We are not responsible for your safety or the state of your emotional well being. Enjoy your safari!”

If my wife and I ever had twins in the future, I would totally “torment” them with nerdy shirts like these. I think they’re so cool, but I’m sure my wife would just roll her eyes and would rather the kids be dressed in something that goes along her ideals of what’s cute. But nerds rule and I want my kids to be nerds so when they’re old enough, they can take over the world! Of course babies don’t know the difference and don’t really care what their shirts say. Maybe twin shirts with one that says “Hi! I’m a MAC” and the other says “And I’m a PC” would be even cooler. At least people with a sense of humor would get a chuckle out of it.

I recently asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”

Her parents beamed.

“Wow…what a worthy goal,” I told her, “But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”

I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party!”

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.

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One uneventful day, Hank the Dog was minding his own business. He had just engorged himself with some tasty breakfast and was about to stretch out in the warm morning sun. Suddenly his blissful plans were rudely interrupted by the most ungodly noise to ever reach his tender young ears. The metallic screech of an electric guitar mixed with the unearthly growling lyrics of some human he could not see made him snarl in psychological pain. To the delight of his owner, he energetically jumps up on his hind legs and proceeds to try to tell his master to kill the awful sound.

This is where dog and human communication refused to mess. His owner thinks he’s magically become this Death Metal Dog who enjoys listening to Vital Remains tunes, and Hank thinks his owner is torturing his furry ears for shear pleasure.